Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
