Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
