so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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