Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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