I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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