You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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