I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
