At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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