She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
