I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
