I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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