Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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