I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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