nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
please come you make the beer taste better
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can't turn off my feet"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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