I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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