i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I understand Curling. That high.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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