Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
