dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
