I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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