Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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