she looked like the bat from fern gully.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
