Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
