I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
