3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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