I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
