Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
