woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
