I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
