From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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