I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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