waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
my being single is dangerous.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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