I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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