i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
