My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
