p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
