Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
