Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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