You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
