# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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