Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
