I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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