This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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