im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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