Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
