and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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