Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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