LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
