Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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