the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
