Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
