i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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