I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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