I want to have your abortion
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
