Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
