my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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