You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
should my penis look like a turkey
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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