this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Its about making memories worth repressing
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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