You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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