He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
