i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
